5500 Miles: Life Lessons on #TheRoad

Road Trip

Our family of 5 (including myself, my hubby, and our 3 teenage children) decided our family vacation this year should be a wanderlust-ful road trip where planning was thrown into the wind (along with all of those hours spent poring over Travelocity and TripAdvisor in search of travel revelations) and we instead simply hit the road with a few destinations in mind and let the wind and I-80 carry us onward.

I was not keen on this idea, being a born planner and finding great solace in knowing where I am going, when I will be there, and when I will return home and be able to sleep in my own bed. But, the family had spoken and the resounding call was, “Be Spontaneous!”

5500 miles and 2 weeks later, I can honestly say that I learned a lot on this trip and, more importantly, being set free from the burden of hotel reservations and travel deadlines was, in fact, GLORIOUS.

In other words, spontaneity proved to be more than just tolerable. It was, indeed, a great deal of fun.

Thinking of a Road Trip yourself? Check out below my

4 Lessons from the Road

. . . one planner to another ;>)

 

Lesson 1: There is no shame in feeding your family Taco Bell hunched over a petite and shabby hotel table at 10pm

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Here we are “Living the VIP Life”

At home, we eat mostly home-cooked meals. Kale and quinoa make regular appearances on our dinner table, along with a variety of undefined root vegetables that I should know the names for but don’t. In other words, we try to feed our family clean and nutritious food. Enter our extended road trip, featuring unknown destinations, endpoints, and available feeding opportunities.

Many small towns or freeway exit ramps do not offer fresh, local food to the uninformed traveler. Instead, across America we found the most prominent feeding opportunities available to us when we were exhausted, at the end of a long day driving, and searching for some sustenance before collapsing at our hotel were fast food and, even more specifically, Subway or Taco Bell (McDonald’s being surprisingly absent from many of these locales). And so there we were, eating a Grande Meal and then some at the end of a long day, huddled like vagabonds around the little table.

And you know what, it was delicious!

I’m certainly glad we are in a position to afford healthy and local food on a regular basis at home, and realize many families struggle to access that quality of food (an issue which is worthy of an entire blogpost on its own), but in the microcosm of our family roadtrip, I found it freeing and fun to eat a few meals that were more out of desperation than discovery. And, as we ate our bean burritos and tried to sauce up our tacos with limited elbow room, we had a good family laugh that last well into the next day.

Lesson 2: Just Buy the National Park Annual Pass

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If you are heading out west, then you are bound to here the call of our amazing US National Parks. Once you get out into the longitude of the Dakotas, you are in line with a spectacular set of Park options. Even if you think you will only go and see, say, the Badlands in S. Dakota, and maybe the Rockies, I am here to tell you that (if you are anything like me) you are fooling yourself.

Inevitably, what will happen is that you will hike one National Park, be astonished by its wonders, and find yourself saying, “Well, it’s only 3 hours to . . . ” and then off you go to your next National Park destination. In all, we went to the following National Parks or Monuments:

  • Badlands National Park
  • Wind Cave National Park
  • Rocky Mountain National Park
  • Arches National Park
  • Bryce Canyon National Park
  • Zion National Park
  • Grand Canyon National Park
  • Petrified Forest National Park

I mean, just look at the map:

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Tons of options for you, each just a few hours apart.  We eventually made it all the way to the Grand Canyon because it was only a few hours away from Zion and we figured, if we made it this far from home, how could we not take our kids to see  one of the natural wonders of the world?

So, buy the annual pass and it will pay for itself within the first two or three parks you enter. Plus, you’ll feel like a Real Boss when you get to skip the entrance line kiosk and instead just swipe your card and breeze on through into the park. Worth. Every. Penny.

Lesson 3: Listen to the Rangers, not the Masses

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Just before it all went to hell. . .

At Bryce Canyon National Park, we were warned off from doing any serious hiking by  Ranger at the Visitor Center who informed us that storms were rolling in later that afternoon and the Canyon gets many lightning strikes during a storm, which obviously is a danger to hikers.

But, when we arrived at the Canyon and its many trails we were met with hordes of people enjoying the views and embarking or returning from hikes. We figured, if they are doing it, well. . .  (I know the irony of this group pressure, given that I am the mother of 3 teens who regularly talks with them about following your own instincts, etc.).

Regardless, we headed off on our 3 mile hike through the canyon, assuming illogically that being surrounded by masses of people would protect us from any natural injuries. The first 3/4 of the hike were lovely. The towers of the canyon were gorgeous and unique, and the trail took us through a variety of formations within the canyon.

Then came the climb up, where we needed to move ourselves up a 1/2 mile of switch backs straight up the side of the canyon to get back to the top and our car (and, as it would turn out, safety).

It is at this point in our hike that the storm began to roll in, with thunder from not-so-distant lightning booming into the canyon. I will be honestly–it was very scary to be surrounded by steep cliffs, no cover, and yet try to protect your children even as you are persuading them to go faster up the cliffside.

We eventually made it back safely and headed straight for the car, as throngs of people still remained on the top of the canyon looking on even as lightning struck close by.

Lesson learned: People as a group are idiots (myself included). Listen to your Rangers!

Lesson 4: Family Rules Need Adjusting On the Road

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With 3 children (and being outnumbered), we try to run a household with clear rules that are consistently enforced. It’s how our family functions the best. But, being on the road for hours at a time, and then hiking, and then seeking out food and shelter each evening, I found that my own parenting stamina was waning, much as the politeness and rule-abiding of my children waned as well. On our trip, I learned the importance of ignoring churlish behavior from my kids that would have otherwise been dealt with promptly at home.

Why did I ignore it?

Because, when you put 5 human beings in a car and hotel room 24/7 for 2 weeks, people start to rub on each other like sand paper. No matter how much you love each other, you will annoy your loved ones to no end by the end of your trip, and they you. Granted, all of that will be forgotten as you look back fondly on all the memories you made, but this will be inestimably easier if you use planned ignoring more than you punitive intervention.

Meaning: When you don’t like your kid’s tone of voice or phrasing as you ask them to pass you up a pack of crackers, ignore it. No need for discipline.

Meaning: When you hear your two youngest debating who would win in a death match, ignore it.

Meaning: When your spouse asks why you need to buy lettuce for the sandwiches and your oldest child nabs the final packet of mayonnaise and you are stuck with mustard, ignore it.

On a condensed road trip, open communication is not nearly as important as maintaining some semblance of familial sanity.

Take a deep breath. Let it out. And move on.

Once home, you can reinstate the rules with gusto. Until then, though, relish the freedom that comes with simply ignoring your children as they yell “Shut Up” at each other for the 6th time. I know I did.

 

 

Write On: Adoption Facts in Fiction

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Today, we are lucky to feature my colleague and friend, Dr. Jennifer Crissman-Ishler, who is a Senior Instructor in Human Development and Family Studies at Penn State and a resident expert on the adoption process and adoptive families. Dr. Crissman-Ishler is a trained counselor and also an adoptive parent herself. She teaches HDFS 453, which examines the complex process and dynamics of adoption across the adoptive triad of birth parents – child – adoptive parents,  and is one of the most sought-after courses in our department.

We asked Dr. Crissman-Ishler for her advice for authors writing about adoption, adoptive families, and characters experiencing adoption, and are so thankful for her willingness to share her knowledge with our readership. . .

  1. What do you feel are some of the common misconceptions about adoption that you encounter in fiction and/or the media?
  • The birth mother is a single mom who is a young teenager – but the reality is that birth moms are all ages and of different marital status (single, married, etc). And in the past several years, the economy has created situations where many woman cannot afford to parent their child.
  • The birth mom (or birth parents) will come back and try to remove the child from his/her adoptive family after the adoption has been completed.
  • Adoptees are “messed up”, weren’t wanted, and/or will not be able to form meaningful relationships when they become adults.
  • If couples can’t have a biological child, they should “just adopt” (totally ignores the grieving process that adoptive parents need to experience)
  1. How can writers make sure to avoid these cliches or misconceptions in their work?
  • Become educated on the facts and realities of adoption; don’t just base your stories on what you see on TV; talk to members of the triad (adoptive parents, birth parents, adoptees) for their perspective; become aware of the 5 core issues surrounding adoption (loss, grief, identity, rejection, guilt/shame) that impact all triad members
  1. Adoption is multifaceted, and includes domestic, international, and foster care adoption. Can you provide a bit of a primer about each of these processes for our readers?
  • Domestic – any adoption between adoptive parents and adoptive child that takes place within the same country; so adoptive parents and adoptee both live in the United States, for example. For a domestic adoption that is taking place in two states (adoptive parents live in one state and the child is born or living in a different state), all parties must follow the ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children), which means before an adoption can be completed, the rules/regulations/laws of BOTH states must be followed.
  • International – child is born and living in one country and adoptive parents are living in a different country; must follow the laws of 3 bureaucratic systems (the state in which the parents live, the country in which the parents live, and the country in which the child is residing). The central location and authority in the US that oversees International Adoption is the Department of State.  Must also work with INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services) to have child obtain Visa (I-600 and I-600A Visa Petitions)
  • Foster Care – children who have been placed in the State’s or County’s legal custody because their birth parents were deemed abusive, neglectful, or otherwise unable to care for them; goal is to place them with parents who are fostering to adopt; foster parents must go through intensive training and background checks before they can become foster parents; birth parents must have their parental rights terminated (TPR) before children can be legally adopted by others
  1. As a professional with expertise in adoption and as an adoptive parent yourself, what important lessons have you taken away about adopted children and adoptive families?
  • No two adoptive families are the same – each family will have different experiences with their adoption experience – celebrate your own unique experience
  • Find support – participate in adoption support groups; join on-line communities; befriend other adoptive families; there will be issues that adoptive families must deal with that biologically created families will not have to, so it helps to have support ready to go and in place
  • As an adoptive family, be sure to communicate – talk openly, freely, ask and answer questions; make adoption something to be proud of or “normalized”; don’t hide it
  • Being an adoptive parent is like a biological parent – there is no handbook, there is no manual. You just do the best job you can do!

  1. Are there any examples of adoption in literature that you feel represent the experience well and that authors could use as a benchmark for their own writing?
  • Todd Parr is a wonderful children’s author who does a great job writing about different families and how it is okay to be different and there are many different ways to make a family
  • For adults, Mamalita by Jessica O’Dwyer is a great book for adoptive parents
  • http://www.umass.edu/ruddchair/ (Their adoption research program is a great place for the most current and up-to-date research)
  1. Many writers examine the inner workings of their characters when writing a novel or story. If they are writing about a character who is adopted, can you identify any commonalities adopted individuals encounter during their journey through life that would be important to contemplate as an author?
  • The core issue of identity is part of anyone’s lifespan development, but it takes on a more significant role for the adoptee (Who am I? Where did I come from?  Who do I look like?  What personality traits do I share with my biological family?  Do I have siblings?)
  • Core issue of loss – losing one’s biological family (and perhaps culture, language and country); a lack of knowledge of one’s medical history, etc.
  • Grief – realizing as they age, what they have lost (for children adoptive when they are older, it could be more severe as they have memories of their families, language, culture, home, friends, school, etc.)
  1. What can you tell our readers about the differences and/or similarities experienced by children who are adopted as infants vs. those who are adopted later on in childhood or adolescence?
  • All adopted children will still experience 5 core issues in their life, just at different times or in different degrees
  • Some pros and cons to consider, though, depend on the needs of the adoptive parents…
    • Pros of adopting an older child
      • Shorter wait to adopt
      • Older children will know their birth parents/family/history (which can help with identity and grief issues)
    • Cons of adopting older child
      • Attachment bonds may take longer to form
      • Educational needs – child may need to “catch up” in school because they are behind
  1. Open adoption, where birth parents remain in a child’s life after adoption, seems to be increasing in our country–what are your thoughts about this approach?
  • Again, my thoughts are simply my own. This is a highly personalized decision and no two families will have the same reasons for how they create their families.  From a historical perspective, adoption began in our country as a closed process and it was only in the 1970s that adoption became more open.  And now, states like PA require some degree of “openness” to be part of a domestic adoption or it cannot be finalized.
  • Some advantages of an open adoption are: 1) children have a sense of where they came from; 2) they have access to important medical information and medical history; 3) they can ask questions as to why they were placed.
  • For birth parents, an open adoption gives them some control – they are making the adoption plan for their child; they can answer questions that an adoptee may have; and they are not left wondering through the years if their child is doing okay or not.  I think the only “right” answer in terms of open adoption is what every member of the triad feels comfortable with.
  1. Can you recommend any references for authors who want to include adoption as part of their novel’s or story’s narrative?
  1. If any of our readers are considering adoption for their own family, what recommendations would you have for them? What do you wish you knew before you became a parent through adoption?
  • Do your homework (interview adoption agencies and lawyers to make sure the fit is right and they know what they are doing; and that they are reputable!)
  • If doing an international adoption, check the State Dept.’s website to make sure that “your” country is not in jeopardy of closing and that your agency is Hague Compliant
  • Talk to other families who have gone through the process to see what worked and didn’t work for them (and to also start building connections and support)
  1. Ok, one more: What’s your favorite memory from your own experience with adoption (if you don’t mind sharing!)?
  • Don’t mind sharing – you know me – I love to talk about adoption and how we created our family!!! It’s hard to pick just one favorite memory.  However, one “favorite” memory would have to be Oct. 9, 2005, our “Gotcha Day” in Guatemala. Our foster mom and lawyer had just left our hotel room and it was just Matt, Emily and me.  Matt and I were looking at each other and looking at her and looking back to each other.  We kept passing the baby back and forth to hold her and saying, “Oh my gosh, we are really parents!  We are a family!  We have a baby!  Oh my gosh, NOW what do we do???”  Just that feeling of holding her, feeling her little finger wrap around my finger, her eyes gazing soulfully into my eyes and then smiling was priceless.  It was in that moment, holding her for the first time, looking into her eyes, feeling pure love that I knew it didn’t matter how I became a mom, all that mattered was that I finally was a mom and it felt so right.

Thank you so much for sharing, Jen–it has been an Education and an Inspiration!